(This is an editorial by Taylor Engel, the views of this deranged maniac do not necessarily reflect the views of Undercard Superstar. It might, but it might not.)
Contributor: Taylor Engel
Yosdenis Cedeno vs. Ernest Chavez: Just everything. What the hell man. First of all, you’re supposed to be a top prospect. That was not a top prospect showing. That’s the kind of showing that’s deserving of a one fight stint in the UFC. Secondly, and most importantly, why did you let Stephen Hawking do your hair for you? Seriously dude, I dislike you. Go away.
Erik Koch vs. Rafaello Oliveira: You know what, Erik Koch? You have to be doing something REALLY wrong with your tattoo work for me to call you out. You’re talking about a guy who has a 4 on a putting green tattooed on his arm saying that your tattoos suck. YOU HAVE “KOCH HEAD” TATTOOED ON YOUR BODY. THAT’S A DECISION YOU CONSCIOUSLY MADE. DO YOU HAVE DEMENTIA? And that’s without even mentioning the fact that you have the burn victim love child of Gary Sinise and Bruce Buffer on your tit. You’re bad at making decisions, Erik Koch.
Tractor.. Did you consult Yosdenis Cedeno for advice on hairstyling? Did your barber go into cardiac arrest halfway through your haircut? Please tell me you didn’t pay real money in real life for that atrocity.
Zach Makovsky vs. Josh Sampo: There was really not much I hated about this fight. Both guys fought well, and despite Sampo clearly drawing the short straw genetically, they’re both fairly hard to hate. ELKINS VS SAMPO FOR UGLY DUDE CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE PLEASE, SEAN SHELBY.
Cody Gibson vs. Aljamain Sterling: Cody. Have you ever seen a gym? If so, go into one. Go to the guy with syringes poking out of his gym bag that looks hella angry. Ask him what a “bench press” is, because CLEARLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS. WORK ON DEM TIDDIEZ SON.
Aljamain. I really only have one grievance with you. It’s that I’m not you. HOT. DAMN. BRO. YOU ARE GORGEOUS. MARRY ME. #STERLING2014
Raphael Assuncao vs. Pedro Munhoz: A single issue, here: Pedro Munhoz was fighting. Not that I have any issue with him, I’m completely apathetic towards him. It’s merely that him fighting meant that Cisco Rivera, future UFC bantamweight champion, wasn’t. I really thinking Cisco could’ve worked around Assuncao’s shockingly good boxing and got the knockout last night. It makes me sad. I’m sad.
Alexis Davis vs. Jessica Eye: People thought Jessica Eye won this fight. That’s a thing. Alexis Davis had control for almost five times as much as Eye, landed almost twice as many strikes, and had more takedowns. And yet people thought Eye won. That’s dumb as shit. People are idiots. I hate people.
Robert Whittaker vs. Stephen Thompson: I’m actually 88 percent sure that this fight didn’t happen. Nope. Don’t remember it.
Mike Pyle vs. TJ Waldburger: This was an outstanding fight, so I really only have two complaints: TJ, I love you man. You’re always entertaining, and you put everything on the line. But you’ve been KO’d more than all but one fighter in the UFC, at the age of twenty five. I’ll miss you, but I genuinely hope you either get cut or retire. You’re throwing your life away if you continue in this sport. Hell, you’ve very likely already cut years off your life. Thanks for the memories, but I hope you never fight again. Second.. Herb Dean. What? Were you smoking that good herb last night? The fact that your stoppage in this fight, that was about 25 seconds too late, was NOT your worst stoppage of the night really says something. I don’t know what’s been up with you lately, but you had two of the worst stoppages in recent memory last night.
Rory MacDonald vs. Demian Maia: Similar to the Pyle vs. Waldburger fight, I really don’t have anything negative to say about the fight. BUT WAIT, I STILL HAVE SHIT I DIDN’T LIKE! Rory, you stupid douchebagel. WHERE WAS THAT PERFORMANCE AGAINST ROBBIE LAWLER YOU DUMB ASSHOLE?! WHY WERE YOU SUDDENLY NOT CONTENT TO THROW 145 JABS AND CALL IT A NIGHT!? DAMMIT RORY. SCREW YOU AND YOUR BROMANCE WITH MIKE RICCI. I hate this sport.
Daniel Cormier vs. Pat Cummins: Why was I watching a barista fight an Olympic wrestler in a co-main event last night? GOOD THING WE’RE GETTING 54 EVENTS THIS YEAR, DANA. REAL SMART BUSINESS RIGHT THERE MAN. NOT A WATERED DOWN PRODUCT AT ALL. And sure, DC looked good, but he still didn’t look fast at light heavyweight. I think Rashad would’ve played with him. You know what else I don’t like? DC’s attempt at trash talking. Good lord dude. I’ve heard better trash talk from Binyamin Kohn. Stop it.
Ronda Rousey vs. Sara McMann: There isn’t enough space for me to write everything I hated about this stupid butthole fight.
First: Sara, WHAT IS THAT ATROCITY ON YOUR BACK? SURE, YOU CAN’T SEE IT WHEN YOU WEAR YOUR RASH GUARD, BUT GOOD LORD WOMAN. THAT SHIT IS HORRIFIC. I WISH THIS WAS NOT A REAL THING. THE LION LOOKS LIKE MUFASA AFTER HE GOT CURBSTOMPED BY THE WILDEBEESTS. THE GUN LOOKS LIKE IT WAS SMITHED BY MICHAEL J. FOX. THE COIN LOOKS LIKE IT WAS MADE IN MESOPOTAMIA. THE BACKGROUND LOOKS LIKE A BOB ROSS PAINT BY NUMBER. WHY DID YOU DO THAT, SARA.
Second: Ronda Rousey is a butthole. Your intimidating face when you walk out is stupid. I was more scared by the violent scenes in Beauty and the Beast than whatever that is. You know what else I don’t like about Ronda Rousey? EVERYTHING. GO BE A C LEVEL ACTRESS AND LEAVE THIS SPORT ALONE. YOU AREN’T COOL. YOU AREN’T EDGY. YOU AREN’T A BADASS. YOU’RE A GOOD FIGHTER. IF YOU JUST SHUT YOUR IDIOT BALLBAG MOUTH, I MIGHT LIKE YOU. BUT YOU CAN’T. YOU NEED TO TALK, YOU NEED TO HAVE AN ATTITUDE. GO AWAY AND MAKE THE EXPENDABLES 9 STRAIGHT TO DVD.
Third: HERB. YOU STUPID MORON. YOU USED TO BE GOOD AT YOUR JOB. YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT YOUR JOB ANYMORE. FIRST, YOU RISK TJ WALDBURGER DYING. SO YOU DECIDE TO MAKE UP FOR IT BY STOPPING THIS FIGHT AS SARA MCMANN IS GETTING UP. IT WAS ONE OF THE WORST STOPPAGES I’VE SEEN IN MY LIFE. THE WORST PART? NOW I HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT RONDA ROUSEY’S IMPROVED STRIKING. THIS IS YOUR FAULT, HERB. YOU DID THIS TO ME.
UFC 170 sucked. All of the fights suck, all of the fighters suck. This sport sucks. Except when it doesn’t.
(This has been an editorial from Taylor Engel. Taylor changes his Twitter handle almost weekly, but currently you can reach him at @69blazeit420, unfortunately.)