The Crime: Someone’s dirty. Real dirty. They say politics is a filthy racket. Well, it’s got nothin’ on Brazilian basic cable hand-to-hand combat. Someone’s filthy, see? The boss man isn’t letting up who the scum is. So it’s up to us to get to the bottom of this mess.
It’s gonna be a long night, boys.
The Clues: Everyone’s being real hush-hush about this. Tight-lipped, like a clam in a shipwrecked part of the Dead Sea. Boss man said we’d know yesterday. We don’t. It’s fishy through and through. Me, personally, I’d like to put my mitts on this cue ball until he opened his filthy trap! But I know that’s won’t jive with the bosses. So it’s going to take good, old gumshoe work to crack this case. All this flim-flammer is telling us is that “It fucking was not Vitor.”
Whatever you say, mack.
- Vitor “The Toe” Belfort: Boss Man says he’s clean. I says Boss Man’s a liar. Tells more fibs than Lucy the Loose when explainin’ why sailors visit her house for 27 minutes at a time. Prime suspect.
- Michael “Pillow Fists” Bisping: Normally, I don’t trust a limey any further than I can throw him, but this lobsterback has been clean every step of the way. Much like his paws, he’s harmless.
- CB “Angelface” Dolloway: Had second-billing on this card. Pretty smooth for a regular ham-and-egger like this cat. I’d like to take him in and make that face sing like a canary. High priority.
- Khabib “Red” Nurmagomedov/Josh “I’m Not Khabib Nurmagomedov” Hall: This stinks worse than my Aunt Marlene’s Cabbage soup on a warm, rainy Thursday in July. A Ruskie cold-cocks a Brazilian in Brazil in under two minutes? Something doesn’t stir the vodka there, eh comrade? Then, just days after his fight, this other character “Josh Hall” writes in the dirt sheets that this Khabib is some kinda “hot shot”, worth a lot of beans. What’s this beatnik hiding behind that beard?? No way it’s real. Has anyone even seen “Khabib” and “Josh” in the same place at the same time? I’d like to take my gat up to his schnozz and make that fake beard fall right off.
- [Redacted] “[Redacted]” [Redacted]: Never mind this one, boys. Got a letter from the Chief upstairs. He says whatever this thing is, he’s pretty sure it’s not human and has sent a small militia to cut it down and frame it on his wall.
- Nikky “Gypsy” Lentz: Says here the kid was in carnivals. No-good, filthy pack of traveling vandals. I once knew a dame that was a gypsy. Great pair of stems, but she’d steal your own flipper just to sell it back to you for dough. She once shivved me right in the whatfor in the middle of us pitchin’ woo. I married that broad after that. Seven long years on the carnival circuit, throwin’ knives at the Frogboy, operating the Whirlygoo, making Gin-on-a-stick. You boys ever seen the Frogboy? Ugly as the day was long, but quick like a Harlem rat. Seven years sneaking onto railcars, plying our trades, making scratch from poor saps, nothing to our name but each other. Two arms, four eyes, and three legs. She lost one in a Whirlygoo accident. Threw that leg into the summer air like Dizzy Dean, it did. Then one day, the moll up and left me. Left me lonelier than a leper with poison ivy and a boring story.
She left me that day, boys.
For the Frogboy.
…what a dame…
Alright boys, we’ve got our man. Put the bracelets on him. You’re comin’ with us, gypsy. It’s a long ride to the hoosegow in this heap. Someone call the chief. Hey, gypsy, you ever remember this dame? Great pair of stems…